The reason I decided to change my blog URL is because I was no longer comfortable censoring myself. Two weeks ago my host mother told me I had to remove information concerning the teachers at my school, and at the time I was okay with it but the more I thought about it the less okay I became. Last week when I was walking my bike to the train station I thought about my values. One of the values I decided I would not compromise was my free speech. I felt that I should at least hold on to the ability to say whatever I want. So I moved my blog and my host mother can no longer read it. She’s sad about it, she told me that she liked reading the comments that people left. She finds what Americans’ opinions of Japan extremely interesting. But oh well.
So the weekend was awesome. I felt great the whole way through. I think feeling great for two days straight is a new record for me. Usually I feel at least a little lonely, even on a good day. Monday was pretty boring. I have no idea what the school wants from me. It still feels like a I’m a visitor. I see other kids turning in homework, and I ask every single day if there’s homework, but the answer is always no. I could do some stuff, mostly math and science, but I feel like they’re not even giving me a chance. So I’m not getting any satisfaction out of school. I can’t see improvement, it’s not very fun, it’s just a method for me to waste time. Outside of school is better. Because I have limited time outside of school I can try to cram lots of activities into it, as opposed to having oodles of free time and trying to fill them. I get satisfaction from track. The regular exercise keeps me sane, and I can set goals and fulfill them. I’m thinking about picking up a sketchbook and trying to learn how to draw. Right now I’m just living day to day, I want something more to live for.
Tuesday was a surprise holiday. Well, it was a surprise to me. Good thing I asked what shoes to wear to gym, because Kenta, the kid who sits next to me, goes, “Tomorrow’s a day off.” Surprise! My family didn’t have the day off, just me. Super lucky. So I lounged around in the morning before scooting off to school to fix my flat tires on my bike. Thank god for the man who runs the bike parking place. I would not have been able to patch that tire on my own. Despite my dad’s constant advice about how I should learn to patch a tire, I never actually did. It took forever because the first three patches didn’t hold. We had to keep putting more around the edges, and finally just started over. Plus the gasket was shredded, on both tires. It took over an hour to fix everything, and the dude was super helpful. I’m going to get him a present.
Then today was a day of mixed feelings. School was pretty boring, and I’ve gotten in the bad habit of sleeping through the boring bits. It is no longer interesting to copy notes in math and science. I know the law of cosines already, I don’t need to see it proven four different ways. History and English are my favorite classes right now. History especially because I am learning new stuff, the only class where that is taking place. We're learning about ancient Greece right now. He keeps mentioning the movie 300. Lots of the words are in katakana and I can just sound them out. Also, we started basketball in gym today. That makes me really happy. Soccer is fun but I’m not very good, but in basketball I mop the floor with these kids. Not only am I tall, but I can dribble and shoot, something only one other kid can do. Plus I’m fast. It’s a killer combination. We’ll be playing all winter. I love the days when I get a break in the middle of the day, either calligraphy or basketball. I was feeling pretty lonely this morning though, because no one here really knows me. For several weeks all that's been on my mind is making friends, but I'm realizing that it takes a lot of time. Friends are people who know you well, and the language barrier certainly slows the process, but if I was fluent it would still take time. I got to run it out during track. God I love track. I’m so glad I joined. Then I came home, wrote in my journal, and sat down to a delicious dinner. My host parents are very good cooks. The food is always good. Well, it’s late so I’m off to bed.
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4 comments:
Hi Scott,
I'm writing as someone with some experience with the whole "new kid" thing. I went to 9 schools by the time I graduated from high school. Of my three daughters, Jessy went to 7 schools (3 of them different high schools, in 3 different countries), Julie went to 5, and Becky only 4 (but 3 different countries). You've hit the nail on the head about making friends. New kids, no matter how friendly, aren't friends right away, in the way that friends know you, understand you, and can help you through low or tough times. It requires investment in making friends plus time.
But you have the quadruple whammy. New kid at school; living apart from your family; foreign language; AND radically different culture. Obviously it's tough. Obviously it requires you to work constantly at being an extrovert even when it makes you uncomfortable, working at your language acquisition skills even when you're sick of it and not seeing immediate progress, and forcing yourself to constantly be self-motivated.
May I say something? You are doing an absolutely incredibly awesome job of it. I know you've felt low, and unfortunately, I know that you'll continue to feel low sometimes. But I actually know of teenagers who, having moved to a foreign country WITH THEIR FAMILIES, have insisted on moving back home, even when it meant moving in with grandparents or family friends. One episode of this happened in LONDON - same language, similar culture, with family.
You, on the other hand, are doing the hard work necessary to make a success (even in those moments when it doesn't feel like it) of your adventure. You will look back on this time as an enormous, life-changing accomplishment.
Congratulations! (Becky's not home, so she can't edit this and make me write a shorter comment!)
Kathy
Hey Scott. I'm glad you had a good weekend, I'm sorry school is turning out to be a difficult and sometimes boring experience. I know you will make friends, it is slow here too, and we all (mostly all) speak English. I'm sorry you are feeling lonely, but know that your friends and family are always here for you. I definitely feel you on the tough making friends scene. Turns out that I've got mono... and that makes it tough to stay awake long enough to make friends. The health center advised me to do only these things: sleep, eat, study. There was a strange absence of social activity. I'll do what I can. You're going to make friends, how could you not? You are fantastic! I hope the end of this week turns out better for you.
Adrienne
To add to the encouraging comments, I know that even though it sucks almost unimaginable amounts right now it will get better. Whenever I moved I always thought my life was over. I could never imagine making friends as good as the ones I had left, and the first day lunch table debacle was enough to make me nauseous. You have dealt with all of this with more skill that I ever did, and I have significantly more experience than you do.
Give yourself until Christmas before you despair. I think you can admit you're already doing way better and it will only go up. Come June you won't want to leave and will be dreading having to come back and hang out with us losers.
Scott - nice job on thinking through setting up the new blog. You went along with the request for self censorship, deliberated and decided it was inconsistent with your values, you let your host parents know and stood your ground. Very nicely done.
Dad
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